April Fools

Colic makes even the most confident parent feel like a complete failure. Last night, after Ryan screamed her head off intermittently for 5 hours, we took her to the ER. The ER doc really had no answer for us, and since she was quite happy at the ER (smiling, giggling, not caring that she was butt naked), he diagnosed her with that bizzare excuse for crying: colic. Since it’s not understood what causes colic, there isn’t a cure for it either. Just a million different things to try to get your baby to calm down. One of which is holding them. All day. Much as I love to hold Ryan, sometimes, I like a break. Unfortunately, this means crying. Although, right now, she’s content in her swing. And actually asleep. Kind of. I called the triage nurse at Lakeshore just to see, because I thought the ER doc was kind of an idiot (he kept calling her a little critter) and she basically said the same thing.

I feel like a bit of a failure…it seems like this shouldn’t just crop up at two months old in an otherwise happy, healthy baby. I keep thinking that I did something wrong, or that if I’d done something different. I know this isn’t the case, but still.

It seems that the larger my heart gets, the more fragile it becomes. I know that when I first realized I loved Michael, I also realized how much greater the capacity for pain became. If he had ever done anything to hurt me, I would have been crushed. Now, eight years later, I know that he won’t do anything, but still understand that should he, I would be completely heartbroken.

When Ryan was born, I realized how great the capacity to love is. Again, I realize how fragile it is as well. Everytime I look at this little girl, it dawns on me how much she means to me. Should anything ever happen to her, I would be crushed. I know it’s morbid, but after such a rough evening, and this nagging feeling that something is wrong with her, I start thinking about life without her and I just could never do it. I think that a huge part of me would die. She is my life, and my love, and my whole world. They say you really don’t understand love until you have a child, and it’s true. I would really give my life for this little girl. I would do anything to protect her and keep her from harm.

Life is so delicate, and it’s amazing that it’s possible for such a teeny person to bring out so much in a person.

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