Do you ever feel a little like you’re still test driving the life you’re living? I know that sounds strange, and maybe very un-“live in the moment” but occasionally I feel like I’m still trying it on, seeing if it fits, and tossing it back on the ground as if it doesn’t quite work for me.
Yes, I know, I have 2 kids and one on the way. One who’s a bit of a surprise, and still I sometimes think “oh my, am I really going to have 3 little girls in all of 7 weeks?” Yes, I know I have a house now, which makes me feel rather grown up, but again, like I might be a bit of a poser. Yes, I am a landlord now, again, making me appear much more grown up than I feel I am. And these are only a few of the things that make me feel like I’m still trying on this life. Still test driving it to see if I want to buy in…except someone else (myself, actually) already bought it and gave me the keys. And it’s what I have, so I drive it.
Where the heck did all this come from? It definitely started with test driving minivans last week. Three kids doesn’t really leave you a whole lot of options for toting them around, and though a station wagon could fit all the necessary carseats, it wouldn’t leave a lot of room for groceries. So minivan it is, but man, it felt strange driving one. And will continue to feel strange. Part of me wants to camp it up, embrace it and go all “soccer mom” on it. Part of me wants to RUN to the Audi dealership and buy a TT that I can’t afford and won’t hold all of my kids, but damn, would be fun to drive.
It could be that Ryan started Kindergarten this week. That Finleigh is wanting to learn to use the potty and saying about 10 new words each day. That we are having our house painted. That we found renters for our condo. That I’m due in all of 7 weeks.
Or it could just be that some days, some weeks, I feel like I’m just a kid, trying on the grown up clothes and finding they’re still kinda big, they still look a little silly, and I still have a lot of growing to do before they’ll really fit.