All endings, beginnings

 

In this end, this beginning, I’m happy. I’m so happy. I don’t know where this will all land. I know I still have a lot of figure out. But I’m getting to know me. I’m recognizing my peace, my confidence, my happiness. And I am, for the most part, most days, whole.

Will this happy and whole ebb and flow? Fuck, of course it will. I’m human. I expect that. But this general air of it will continue. Because it’s what I choose. It was hard at first; a conscious effort every single day. But it’s easier and easier. I don’t have to think about it each and every moment. I am not seeking joy, but finding it. It’s smacking me upside the head, punching me in the gut, and waking me up. I feel like I’m finally climbing down from the tower I’ve built, and as I come down, I’m pulling it down with me.

Allowing myself to open up – to let others in, to be vulnerable, to be brave, to have courage to make connections has been amazing. I never, ever could have fathomed the ways this has already come back to me ten-fold. Opening my heart and my mind has allowed the universe in, the joys and sorrows and overall, love. Love for others, from others. Love that can mend relationships long bent, love that allows friendships to deepen, love that allows inspiration to come in ways that it hasn’t in years.

I feel. I feel SO MUCH right now. It’s as if every.single.nerve ending is on fire. But it’s mental. It’s terrifying and exhilarating at once. And I’m loving it. It’s overwhelming, to feel so much when I’ve been so numb for so long, but it’s amazing. All day today I’ve felt this amazing, clenching, grabbing feeling in my gut. I’ve felt that endorphin rush, those chills, that hit – so hard it takes your breath away. All day. And yet, I can sit with it…it’s growing comfortable. Not in a way that I can – or will – ignore it. No, more in a way that I can live with it. I can live with this slightly unsettled feeling…because in it, there is clarity.

I have ultimate clarity. I know where I’m going, where I’m headed. I know the path I’m on. I have all these jumbled, crazy, mixed up thoughts I’m carrying with me, but it’s OK. I see them, I recognize them, I name them when I can. When one starts to drift down, I grab it, play with it, sort it out, deal with it and get it where it needs to go. It’s not a straight path. It’s not a clear path…there are rocks and rivers and overgrown bushes. And it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. But it’s mine: easy, hard, crazy, calm. And I continue, with a lucid mind, down the path.

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